James Weir recaps Kylie Minogue’s Australian homecoming

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Our talented exports set off to LA and New York and London, like moths attracted to the bright lights – but, eventually, they all come crawlin’ back.

Can moths crawl? Maybe I’ve mixed my analogies. Or is it a metaphor? The point is, Australian celebrities are like insects that are attracted to bright lights and can also crawl.

Kylie’s the latest to come back. News of her decision to return to Melbourne after three decades living in London was met with shock and excitement around the globe. Mainly because we all thought it’d be Jason Donovan who’d have to come skulking back from London first.

#Kexit is getting treated with more reverence than #Megxit. The latter was a joke. “See ya!” all those British people thought. “Don’t let the drawbridge hit you on the way out.”

It’s a big decision for Kylie. Sure, there are the basic inconveniences. Moving house sucks. But if you’re Kylie, you can probably just bin all the crap in your old house and then buy new junk for the Melbourne joint. No packing. Easy breezy. Hope she’s got a good end-of-lease cleaner though, because rental agents these days are vicious. Forget to wipe out a window track and you can kiss your bond goodbye.

James Weir recaps Kylie Minogue’s Australian homecoming
James Weir recaps Kylie Minogue’s Australian homecoming

She’ll learn all these things. But she also needs to be prepared for what’s to come. While Australia loves seeing our celebrities return home, we often get too excited and end up making their lives hell – leaving them wishing they never returned home in the first place.

Chris Hemsworth is the perfect example. It was around 2014 when he ditched Hollywood and moved back to Australia, famously blowing into Byron Bay and setting up stumps.

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It was lovely at first. Until we all decided to blame him for single-handedly destroying an iconic Aussie town.

That was just the beginning. Then we all made fun of his really big house and said it looked like a Westfield shopping centre. How rude. Funny, but rude. And also true. Still, rude.

We have an unquenchable thirst for seeing these major celebrities living among us which means the paparazzi go nuts. The more ordinary the photo, the better.

You better believe I’ll be clicking on every tabloid story that contains endless photo galleries showing Kylie doing unremarkable things. Here’s Kylie at Coles! And here she is in the carpark, shoving a 48-roll value pack of toilet paper in the boot of her Mercedes!

It’s why Nicole Kidman will never move back here. She knows we’re too feral. Even when she comes for a family visit, she jumps off that private jet, whips around the city in a dead run, then pisses back off to Nashville before the plane’s even had time to refuel.

Maybe that’s why Kylie’s trying to downplay the move.

“Like many artists she spends much of her life on the road or travelling,” a source told the Mirror Online, “so she doesn’t anticipate that this is a major change for her as she’s never in one place for a long time anyway.”

You’re not foolin’ anyone, Charlene! You’re back in Oz full-time and ya one of us.

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Melbourne is Kylie’s hometown which means there’s gonna be a lot of uncomfortable interactions. Mainly with people she went to school with trying to become mates with her again. Her sister Dannii and her nephew also live there and we just know the primary school is gonna make persistent requests for Kylie to help out with the annual plays and Christmas concerts.

“Hey, Kylie, I got your number off Dannii. Yeah, I’m the principal at your nephew’s school. Just wanted to reach out to see if you’d be keen to lock in a performance at the Friday night disco? It’s a double-set – we’ve got you down for a six o’clock slot for the year ones to fours … and then a nine o’clock show for the year fives and sixes. Can you bring your smoke machine?”

She’s gonna be buggered. Between all the guest spots she’ll be roped into doing on The Project and Have You Been Paying Attention, the last thing she needs is to be the headline act on the school disco circuit.

Oh god. Now she has no excuse for when producers ask her to sign up for The Masked Singer. Via

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